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On the Road to Recovery

by Petr Chubak

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1.
Scars 01:07
My bags are packed and I’m heading south. I’ll recover from the mountain top feelings left behind I’m not ready to give up. I’m gonna bring them home. Before depression, before ill health kicked in I found reasons for living looking down at those city lights. I’m gonna make that climb and leave my scars behind. I’ll leave my scars behind.
2.
Relapse 01:51
I wonder what I’d say tonight if I could say anything at all that meant anything to anyone but me. The walls are closing in. The roof has blown its lid. Maybe next the floors will fall with me, but I’m still holding. This addiction is a locomotive gone careening off its tracks down the mountainside while on fire, and I’m left wondering, “How did it ever come to that? With the odds so stacked against me.” But I’m okay with the walls closing in. The roof has blown its lid. Maybe next the floors will fall with me, but I’m still holding. To what am I holding?
3.
Shame 03:19
This mountain is the closest I will ever come to Beulah, I suppose. The scrub oak scrapes my leg but I’m distracted by the sage scent in my nose. Maybe it’ll be worth it when I go. Maybe I’ll feel better. I sure hope. Faster down the mountain, I am trying to beat the storm. Do these rabbits have the same idea or are they just running from my noise? I remember why I came here and why I want to leave but can’t. I came to make some changes and I haven’t made them yet. I promised someone I’d do my best and I haven’t done my best. I can’t bear the thought to face him in this messed-up state I’m in. Recovery ain’t easy you’ll agree. I’m sorry you must wait so long for me. Faster up the mountain, I am trying to make it back. I’d love to see you tonight but I must find the things I lack to finish what I started, soothe the pain that I had caused in myself just as much in all the people that I love. Recovery ain’t easy you’ll agree. I’m sorry you must wait longer for me.
4.
Catalyst 02:00
I guess there is a question I must face. Am I willing to try and change? And how much faith do I have left in me? Will I choose this plague or will I choose to breathe? But I don’t stay down. I’m not dead yet. This is the worst point of my life, but it’s the lowest I will get. From here I rise onto my feet. My fists are swinging, I assure you you haven’t seen the last of me. I don’t stay down.
5.
Scars II 01:03
I'm heading north I think I found something I had long been missing It turns out It was inside me I just couldn't see it In the way that I was living

about

I wrote this EP while spending a couple of weeks alone in the mountains after going through a 12-step program. The songs are many of the thoughts and feelings I had towards the various stages of addiction and recovery.

About the artwork: the heart symbol in the "P" is the symbol for eating-disorder recovery, which is what I was going to 12-steps for. The semicolon is a symbol largely used for suicide/depression awareness, which I also struggle with.

credits

released December 21, 2020

Recorded for Demo Fest 2020
Mastered by Will / Dead Air

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Petr Chubak Salt Lake City, Utah

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