I started writing songs because that's what my brother did and ever since I can remember I just wanted to be like him. Until he started doing things that made me uncomfortable, like hitchhiking out to Cali and then train-hopping back home. He wrote songs of his adventures and they were inspiring. I recorded them on my phone so they would always be with me, but I lost them when I got mad and through my phone off a cliff. His songs were few of many that I lost when I did this. So when he gave me his guitar I taught myself to play his songs hoping one day at a show he would ask me to play along. I learned by playing all his songs, as well as Gary, Acro, and James, and after all these years I guess I just wanted to say thanks.

I've been a part of this community since just 14 years old and I still do not know how much value I really hold because I seem to place my worth on what I hear you people say, but I'm too scared to stick around for the whole show to hear it anyway. So not many know my real name or who I am when I don't sing. I know it's my own fault, but it's the truth and it can sting. Now that you know my system I feel like the data is all flawed, but not as flawed as I am when I think you want me gone.

I have a confession to make, and I am being quite sincere when I say when I first came out to shows I thought you were something to fear. I guess my dad got in my head, and knowing him I should know better, but I used to think a punk could never be a Christian debtor. I feared when you discovered how religious that I was I would be kicked out of the only place I really came to love. You don't believe the things I do. I don't believe the things you do. But you believe in me, and I believe in you.

I'm afraid of confrontation yet I always start the fights. I'm bipolar, and sometimes I just can't see what is right because things can get real tough. That's what I try to sing about even if my poor vocabulary makes it hard to pick that out. I always do songwriting because it feels so therapeutic to let out all these emotions I just don't know what to do with. And I always do my best to be kind to those I write about, unless that someone is myself because I'm not someone that I care about. I put an inside joke in every song I ever write, but no one ever knows to laugh because I won't let them inside.

Now I am in therapy to work on liking who I am. I feared when all this started I wouldn't write a song again because I'd have a healthy outlet for all the things I hate inside, but it turns out I can do both now and I'm starting to feel alive. I must correct myself because I'm sure I'll always want to die, but I can start to see why some people enjoy being alive.

I was asked once why I talk so much about depression. Why, if I want to help people, do I just keep screaming at them? I swear I have an answer but it's quite hard to explain. I guess it's because I have so many friends with chemically imbalanced brains. And they feel lonely, or hopeless, or undesired, or just scared that they are the only ones with these emotions that randomly seem to flare. Like they are looking at the world while locked inside a little cage, and I just want them to understand that I have often felt the same. And I have many friends who try their best to understand our pain when we are hurting, but they've never had a problem with their brains. And because it is so painful when the good friends get it wrong we just stay silent. So I try to explain all that in a song, and try again, and again, and try again, and then again, because emotions are so difficult to explain to our friends. But I also sing songs about depression, about rage, about social anxieties, and suicidal states because I have to keep reminding myself that being alive is right, and that there are some things and people that make all this worth the fight.

Sometimes when I write a song I get real proud of myself until I go to the next show and listen to someone else. I think maybe it's best if I quit and never waste my time on all this music and emotion and getting it to rhyme. And I can be that guy who goes to every show but never sings, and every band knows his face well but can't quite remember his name. I can support indie music from the comfort of my room, and no one would look at me and say, “Don't you write music too?” Because when people notice me I'd rather be my phone thrown off a cliff. I still don't know the difference between a progression and a riff. I'm just a kid who tells sad stories while holding a guitar, and this all feels like a dream or a nightmare that went to far. But I also do my best to address some happy thoughts because there are too many bands that only sing sad songs. Or that sing about corruption, or oppression, or of hate, and I'm sure we can find joyful things through which we can relate.

For example, I have a brother who encouraged me when he gave me his guitar and he told me I could sing and people would listen because I matter to them. I will always fight the stage-fright to feel that love again. And I had a friend whose talent was far superior say, “I want you on my show because I have somebody who needs to hear ya. You may struggle with your voice or getting the guitar the way you want it, but you can show emotion in ways that anyone can feel it.”

And I didn't know for a long time if my music had any value, but a friends called me up recently saying, “There's something I should tell you. You see, I left my house intending this night to be my last. I got out my iPod and I put it on full blast and I heard you sing – no, because it wasn't in the music – I felt you sing about hope and recovery and I knew I could still do this.” My friend is out there somewhere still traveling these states. And I still write music because I know somehow somewhere someone will relate.